Winter Issue 11
Zoological Inquiries
An Exercise in Disagreeing Well
By Maria Bitterli & Jeff Greenman
Excerpts from the Scientific Diary of Dr. H. Uman [PostDoc]
December 3, 2020
After the tragic collapse of study 13C on cricket cardiovascular development (note to self: repair closing mechanism on snake terrarium) I am turning my attention to canines (canis lupus familiaris). Subject A to arrive with handler shortly. Thesis statement: TBD, though likely something like “Dogs are good.”
December 9, 2020
Subject A has stayed in our kennel for almost a week now. I have exposed it to ethical conundra to determine moral goodness. Progress slow, data inconclusive. Kant may not be best approach.
December 10, 2020
Subject A escaped kennel. Thesis statement in serious peril.
December 10, 2020, 3 PM
Revision: Subject A did escape kennel but showed up later in the post doc lounge where I was napping on the couch (note to self: buy Febreze). Woke me with a nuzzle (pleasant experience) to show it had captured one of the escaped snakes. Sent away concerned grad students (attracted by my screaming), then locked away the snake. (Must remember to repair closing mechanism). Thesis statement back on track.
December 18, 2020
This week not good. Found poop in left shoe, whereabouts and fate of right shoe still unclear. Subject A showing remorse. Q: Is moral goodness determined by lack of wrongdoing, or evidenced by remorse after wrongdoing? Must speak with ethicist. (Note to self: buy new socks.)
January 5, 2021
Curious commotion in lab today. Found grad students with face buried in Subject A’s fur (it seems to be finals week). Ran some tests and found that grad students have significantly lowered blood pressure and triglyceride levels. Also heard them mutter “good boy” a few times, though these statements appear to be subjective and not backed by scientific data. Must speak to Dean regarding academic standards slipping.
January 16, 2021
Was told by colleagues that “Subject A” no longer appropriate designation. Students and faculty have formed an odd sort of attachment to the dog. Discussed name. I proposed a dignified, classic, awe-inducing one: Ajax. Sub-committee was struck to discuss further.
January 17, 2021
Grad students insist on calling him Puddles. Dog no longer answers to Ajax. Very upsetting.
January 22, 2021
Puddles insists on following me around. Telling him to occupy himself is not effective. Very annoying. Possibly sign of “not good boy?” Also, right shoe discovered under couch in post doc lounge. Scene of carnage.
January 25, 2021
Very discouraging day. Puddles aware that I am upset at death of right shoe. Brought me another one to rectify situation. Dr. Smith not pleased at all. Hobbled to my office demanding satisfaction (new shoes or pistols at dawn). Thesis statement struck from draft.
January 26, 2021
I am reconsidering my career choices. Tomorrow I have to present my study findings before the committee and have nothing to show for my work except for a thoroughly failed thesis statement. I have considered destroying all records of this study to avoid embarrassment but cannot bring myself to do it. May have to return to cricket studies, though local shop refuses to supply new bugs due to snake incidents. (Must get hardware for terrarium lid.)
January 27, 2021
Unbelievable! Entered the lab this morning to find Puddles escaped from kennel and discovered my stack of study notes. All records eaten! (Except for small scrap containing footnote 16, which is inconsequential.) Was yelled at by committee chair for not locking up kennel properly, but given 6 more months to come up with new study. Career crisis avoided.
Waited for committee to leave, then stuck my face in Puddles’ fur.
Good boy.
Twenty Proven Reasons Why Cats Are Vastly Superior To Dogs
Professor Gordon D. Feeline, Professor Emeritus, Regency College of Comparative Animal Studies
Reprinted by permission from The Journal of the Royal Academy of Feline Sciences
1. Cats purr. Can dogs do that? No.
2. Cats are good for your mental health. Purrfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18).
3. Cats do not bark. Barking is a fabulously annoying bad habit of dogs.
4. Cats bathe themselves. This marvelous trait is the envy of every dog owner.
5. Cats do not need to be walked. They can walk all by themselves, as much as they please. Dog owners are dragged around the block, day and night, rain or shine, with a little plastic bag in hand. So sad.
6. Cats can deal with their fecal issues more elegantly than dogs. See #5 above.
7. Cats do not slobber. The very idea repulses them and offends their innate yearning for cleanliness. Dogs are foul mouthed creatures.
8. Cats fatally eliminate mice from your home, without charge. Dogs just bark at them. See #3 above.
9. Cats can enliven a boring Zoom meeting simply by walking across your keyboard. That always brings a smile to everyone’s face. No dog has ever walked across a keyboard amusingly.
10. Cats are eschatological beings. They have nine lives. Dogs barely have one.
11. John Lennon owned a cat named Elvis. He did not have a dog.
12. It has been scientifically proven that all cinematic women named Maria prefer raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, not whiskers on puppies. Cinematic Marias also do not like it when the dog bites.
13. Cats are splendidly self-reliant, whose brains since 1841 have been inscribed with the full text of Ralph Waldo Emerson’s essay, “Self-Reliance.” Dog brains do not accommodate philosophical texts.
14. Cats are often misunderstood. According to Emerson (see #13 above): “Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood.” Dogs don’t even know who Jesus is.
15. Jesus is pictured as a lion, which is a cat (Rev. 5:5). He is never depicted as a dog.
16. Cats never return to their vomit. They calmly leave it for their owners to deal with. Dogs return to their vomit in both Old and New Testaments (Prov. 26:11, 2 Peter 2:22). That is truly disgusting.
17. Cats are more eco-friendly than dogs. The carbon pawprint of a cat is like a Prius. A dog’s is like a Land Rover.
18. Cats do not play fetch. Cat owners therefore have a much lower risk than dog owners of shoulder and elbow injuries from chucking tennis balls around a park.
19. Cat videos (especially the ones with cucumber-induced leaping) are best justification for the continued existence of the Internet. Dog videos are never as entertaining.
20. Cats are good for their owners’ spiritual growth. They enable their owners to live constantly in a state of humble submission to The Almighty. Dog owners do not have that blessing.
Theological Poetics
By Steven Gomez
Thursdays this term have been little weekly marathons, with Soul of Ministry in the afternoon followed by Theology Overview all evening with only a short break in between. Before hybrid classes were a thing, this would all happen on Zoom and my brain was getting understandably fried. Theo is still online only and I realized partway through the term that the slides (which we’re given copies of) were more detailed than the notes I was taking, and it wasn’t worth the effort. But to keep myself awake I had to write something. The something turned out to be poetry. I take the topic or words we’re using in conversation and I try to build a little poem around them. Here’s a sampling of my theological poetics.
Made To Order
I’ll have a piece of being, please;
No small piece, either—the substantial whole.
Begin me with an end, sustaining my state
Unnaturally in nature. Hold my hand
All through your radical cause.
I am a dependent clause,
Hung up on nothing lest I crash
With a big bang and become
A was-something only
By suddenly being nothing.
Revelation
The earth, bundled in the nest of heaven,
cracks open with a spiderweb of light
to let in the mother hen.
Revelation hits like a punch in the gut
when heaven takes off His mask,
disguising nothing; steps forward
to be found in fellowship, not condescension;
and heaven is revealed to look
suspiciously familiar.
Theology Soup
Bones inspired by water and fire,
rising from water into stock;
the flavour carried on the pot’s breath
spicing the air between our voices
as we stew over our questions,
themselves rising up like incense.
Emmaus
Walking down the road, I am met
by an old friend I do not recognize,
who turns his voice toward my ear;
and as he talks, the road I walk
turns out to be another road.
We run another course, and turn another way,
and before I can believe it
we arrive at another city altogether.
The editing team has put together a short survey about the community’s Et Cetera reading habits, and we’d love to have your input in planning for the future of this little student paper. It should only take about 5-10 minutes and we really appreciate it. Thanks so much!